I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
