Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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