so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
