And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
