The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
