She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
