whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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