why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
