She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
