I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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