dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
