Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
