Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
