She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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