You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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