were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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