i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
