jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
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I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
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Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!