Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
babies were throwing up all over the place
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet