I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
