Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
