I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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