I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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