why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
