I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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