Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
All I want is dick and wine.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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