I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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