Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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