I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
