Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
