had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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