he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
