My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
