Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
