he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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