I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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