My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
