youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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