We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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