you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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