God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
