my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
me + whiskey = a bad person
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
