Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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