I looked at my own cervix.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
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I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
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What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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