So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
