Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
