so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
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