Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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