you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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