I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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