does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just forgot I was standing up.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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