oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
