Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
