Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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