The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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