just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
