and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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